Entering the Attachment Dimension
Related to the concept of the Attachment Dimension is the concept of Attachment Fear. Humans place enormous priority on forming and maintaining connections with other humans. It’s innate and hard-wired: a big part of what it means to be human. Because of this, humans have a deep-seated terror of being abandoned by other humans: Attachment Fear. And there is no place this plays out more strongly than in intimate relationships.
Emotionally focused therapy counselors (such as myself) attempt to help couples soothe Attachment Fear in each other through helping them tune in to the Attachment Dimension of their interactions.
In addition to the Content Dimension (the where, when, what, who, and how of things) every, and I mean EVERY, communication between intimate partners also has an Attachment Dimension. The Attachment Dimension is used to address the never-ending question: “am I safe and secure with this person?”
Let’s explore a little role-play to illustrate these concepts. Let’s say one partner (partner A, we’ll say) asks the other partner (partner B) “did you remember to make dinner reservations for my birthday tonight?”
Unfortunately for everyone, Partner B did NOT remember.
Let’s explore how the different dimensions of what ensues might look like. We’ll start with the Content Dimension. It’s the easiest.
Partner A: Requests information regarding to the status of the dinner reservations.
Partner B: Provides that information: “no.”
Cut and dried. Now, let’s look at how the Attachment Dimension of the exchange might work. Let’s start with a scenario in which Partner A and Partner B are NOT tuned into the Attachment Dimension:
Partner A: Experiences an old and deep fear: they might not be worth another person remembering and following through on something important to them. Deeply hurt but fearful of their insecurity being seen, Partner A’s face turns to stone and they turn away from Partner B.
Partner B: Flooded with shame for the oversight, Partner B sees Partner A turn away and an old fear emerges: “you’re a monster that nobody could love, and now they see that. It’s over now scumbag.”
Feeling like a trapped animal and barely able to think, Partner B exits the room, leaving Partner A sobbing and devastated.
Can divorce lawyers be far away at this point? Partner A will share this story with family and friends that can be trusted to take Partner A’s side. Partner B will be universally condemned. Perhaps labelled as narcissistic. If any of this gets back to Partner B their worst fears will be confirmed: yes, in fact they ARE a monster unworthy of love.
The support Partner A gets from friends and family comforts Partner A. To a point. Partner A doesn’t share much about their underlying fear though: “There’s something wrong with me. I’m not worth my birthday being remembered by a special person.” Partner A will carry this fear into the next special relationship. How will it work out the next time?
Now, let’s revisit the conversation, but this time let’s imagine that our partners ARE tuned in to the Attachment Dimension.
Partner A: Experiences an old and deep fear: they might not be worth another person remembering and following through on something important to them. Deeply hurt, Partner A nonetheless allows Partner B to see the pain.
Partner B: Remembers that their partner (like just about everybody) carries a fear of unworthiness, and sees that forgetting has triggered this fear. Partner B is simultaneously filled with compassion for Partner A’s pain, shame for having triggered it, and fears of becoming unloved for being such a jerk.
Partner A: Sees that their pain is visible to Partner B and cared about, which calms Partner A’s Attachment Fear slightly. Partner A recalls (through couple counseling?) the “I’m a monster” insecurity in Partner B and feels a note of compassion. Though Partner A is angry about the oversight, Partner A’s compassion softens their voice a bit: “how could you?”
Partner B: Voice cracking “I’m so sorry.”
Forgetting to make the birthday dinner reservation was NOT a good thing for either partner, or for the relationship. However, they have connected emotionally and, even though the emotions aren’t fun emotions, a platform of safety has been established: they are still each other’s special partner. They have a ways to go to repair this, but they have already started.